Ding Dong

Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, 

welcome aboard this Boeing 747 to Chicago on this fine day *snort*. It will be a flight filled with annoying mainland Chinese men sitting right in front of you, getting educated in America but not knowing that it is common courtesy to check if the person behind you is leaning forward before slamming your chair back into recline right before a meal. Will will also be showing movies you have already seen in your flight home and didn't really enjoy just because we can. Later in the flight we will be turning off the lights and there will be one light flickering in the corner of your eye until then. Hey, at least you're not the one sitting right there, you would be going crazy. Two meals will be served on this 13 hour long flight, a soggy beef and potato thing that will be half cold and half really really hot. With a delicious apricot crumble. In the morning you will also be able to enjoy a breakfast of teriyaki noodles that have been standing in our cabin for probably a week and we forgot about them because the noodles have fused together into one lump. Halfway through the night we will be serving your a noodle soup so you don't dehydrate because our drink service will be terrible. The noodle soup will be something you can only decipher half way through the meal as the soggy mess in your cup tastes like a very generic chicken, rice, noodle, vegetable mix, but it is in fact tofu. 

Furthermore, the expected temperature in Chicago is chilly... no... freezing... no... frigid below zero. We will also have every passenger bump into your as they pass your ails seat so you can never sleep. However, the seat next to you and next to the man on the other side of the middle row will be empty so you will be able to squeeze yourself between the seat and pretend to be resting. You will, on the contrary, be silently swearing because your new position is awful, may it be your laying forward across the other table or laying sideways with a huge stack of pillows. In this flight it will be our job to make you as uncomfortable and restless as possible so that your four hour stop over in Chicago will be extremely tiring and uncomfortable as well. 

Our stewardesses will be mannered accordingly, making up what you imagine a comedy movie team might be made up of. The main steward will be nice but strange with the other man being obnoxiously loud. His voice will book through the cabin when you are actually almost falling asleep. It is all part of our service. There will be another woman, luckily not in your half of the plane, that is rude to people, not making space for them as they look at her in disbelief. She will block their way because the cart is there although we all know the little Chinese girl could easily fit past. There will be the cheerful young girl with the blocky bangs that will keep dropping things right next to you and go to pick it up with you fearing her skirt will split apart right there and you will have a very uncomfortable position to report from. She will also not give you the right forms because she assumes you're American although you asked for the white form. So you will have to ask the next person to come who then also assumes your American until you say rather loudly as he tells me it's all right with only the blue one "But I'm on a visa!". You sound rather exasperated, something wrong?

We hope you have a pleasant flight to report to others later although we know all the people in Economy wish they could fly business every time because a little of their soul is dying in the squashed cabin. Thank you for recommending us to no one after this flight because it was terrible. Thank you. 

Picture by weheartit.com